Mid-life Crisis?

These were the exact words spoken to me by a dear friend when I informed her that I wanted to change careers. I was taken aback, caught off guard, insulted even at the mention of midlife crisis. I know she did not mean it that way, but I could not help but feel the negative connotation associated with the term midlife crisis. I mean you only hear that word used when a man leaves his wife of 20 years for his 19-year-old secretary, or if someone buys an expensive sports car for the reason of feeling young again. I pondered this for several days trying not to be offended by the statement, but I could not. I found rather that I needed to justify my actions by determining the real purpose of my choice. I knew it in my heart, but I struggled to articulate it for my friends and family in a way that made sense. I realized most of the people in my immediate circle did not know me 10 years ago or even 20. They were rather new to my life, and had no idea of what I gave up to become a mother and wife long ago.

I am obliged to tell my story, So the next time I get a strange look or a what in the hell are you…, I can at least refer them to my blog to avoid feeling the need to justify myself to people I care about.

The last time I remember feeling on tract with my career goals was when I was completing my communications degree and working on artwork for my children story books. I loved communications and design. The love of it kept me up at night studying until 3:00 a.m. only to wake up at 6;00 to go to work. I did not mind at all. At the time, I had two small children. They went to daycare while their mommy worked hard to finish her degree. I was a late bloomer. I went back to school in my late 20s. I got married at 21 and spent the next few years supporting my husband as he climbed the corporate ladder. I washed his clothes, cleaned the house, cooked, paid the bills, raised the kids, and encouraged him to pursue his goals. After all, his success was the success of my entire family, right?

Unfortunately, I did not factor in the affairs, lies, and mistreatment that would come with the stay home life I traded for my career goals. I wanted to be every bit the mom that my mother was. She stayed home with us and raised us to be successful, strong adults by giving us a supportive home life with warm meals, tummy rubs, and plenty of fun and laughter. I decided if I was going to get married, I would do the same. I never planned on getting married or having kids, but I fell hard for my husband and decided to join his team and start our own tribe.

After I realized the dream was lost with my first husband, I enrolled in a communications program and pursued my first love, journalism. I was so happy! I learned how to do design, programming, and writing. I enjoyed the life and wanted to go into the writing side of my career. I was still married but not happily. My husband had started acting strange. One day, my junior year of college, I found out that my husband was having an affair. It wasn’t his first, but it would be his last married to me.

My life spun into a series of what must I do to survive with two kids. My dreams were put on hold, and I decided to become a teacher, so that I could still maintain some aspect of being with my children at least during the summer and holidays. For the next 10 years, my life became a series of taking odd jobs, teaching what I love, and maintaining the emotional health of my broken-hearted children. I became comfortable with this life. It included many blessings. I was happy and safe, but unaccomplished as a writer. I tried on several occasions to pick my writing back up and do it, but the busy lifestyle took its toll on my creative juices. I did not have the motivation to sit for any amount of time and work on my trade. I needed money to support my kids.

I met a new guy after I graduated from college. I fell in love a second time. We got married, had two more kids, and I put my career goals on hold again. (Anyone see a pattern here). He became an alcoholic due to some childhood trauma that he could not seem to overcome. I had to put him out, and again I went to work this time taking three jobs, so that my family could maintain the lifestyle they had grown accustomed to living. I really did not mind the hard work. I was grateful to God for the ability to provide for my children. My second husband left us with no support or contact. He faded all the way to black. It took me three years to get over the heartbreak. I was devastated about losing #2. I loved him and would have done anything for him, but as some of you know alcoholism is a monster that takes your loved one hostage. The person you once knew is gone.

I worked hard for four years until one day while I was soaking my my bathtub in the most amazing essential oils ever smelled, I had an epiphany. I did not want to be a teacher or a hairstylist or a college professor. I wanted to work one job and pursue the career I had started so many years ago. In that amazing bath, I asked God for direction. I felt him impress upon my heart, “What would you do if you could go back and do it all over again?”

I thought for a moment and decided that I would go back to my original career track and pursue the digital design aspect of my profession. I would quit all three of my jobs and become a software programmer which pays enough to support my entire family. I will work on my children story books part-time after work and enjoy my life as a software programmer and writer.

“Then do it.” I felt the Lord impression on my heart.

I call this an awakening not a crisis. From now on, I will chase my dreams and not let anyone or anything change my course. I will fight to become the woman I always wanted to become. I will not allow any person to make me doubt my abilities or my decisions. I will celebrate my accomplishments and enjoy the hard ride. I will be healthy. I will laugh. I will only tolerate people who treat me well and celebrate me. I will be quick to let toxic people go, and I will live my best life.